Okay.
You taking off? Yeah.
Mysterious. All right.
Happy Valentine's day.
Say, hey, my man. Hey, what's up, tom?
Thanks, tom. Happy Valentine's day.
What do you mean you're leaving me? You're not here.
Technically, you can't leave me until you're here to leave.
Well, hell, yes, I'm gonna argue semantics, Sara.
It's the least I can do. I come home on Valentine's day
with two bags ready to go by the front door
and a dear John telling me how you need your space?
Come on, what is that?
That is totally unoriginal
and completely devoid of any real information
that would give me some insight to why you're doing this.
Hell, yes, I want to know. I'm asking you, right?
I'm not yelling. I'm just speaking pointedly
to make my point.
Fuck the neighbors.
It's 2:00 in the morning on a Saturday night.
Fuck 'em if they don't have a social life. No, no, no.
Sara, listen, don't leave me.
You can't leave me. I mean,
I've done everything I know how to do.
I've given you every ounce of my heart and soul.
I've given more of myself to you
than I've ever given anybody else.
After three years, you're gonna walk out.
You're gonna throw me away like that
and not even tell me why?
Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be here.
I invited half the bar over to help us
celebrate Valentine's day, remember?
Okay, all right.
Well, then I'll see you when you get here.
Bye.
Fuck.
Christ, Tommy, you left about five minutes too soon.
Seriously, five minutes.
Unbelievable. Where are the girls?
What? Didn't you invite chicks?
That's not what this is supposed to be about.
Oh, Christ, Tommy. Thank god I did, huh?
What? Yeah, broads, skirts.
I got a gang of girls coming over in 15 minutes,
so be prepared. No, you don't understand.
After what happened, I'm not gonna
sit around here with guys sword fighting on Valentine's day.
I need chicks, and I need 'em now.
Why? What happened?
Oh, you remember Charlotte, right?
Charlotte? The dancer. With the thing.
What thing? The fucked-up Peter Falk eye.
Oh, yeah, sure, she was nice.
I threw her out. You threw her out. Why?
It got embarrassing taking her out, showing her around,
always that eye looming out at you.
I'm telling you, that thing had a mind of its own.
Anyways, it made me feel self-conscious.
Something made you feel self-conscious?
You believe that? Chocolates, you shouldn't have.
Anyway, you cannot be with someone
you're ashamed to be seen with.
It's not practical. You spend so much time
going to places that you never go,
trying not to run into people that you do know.
It doesn't make any sense.
Besides, she wasn't exactly sending rockets to the moon.
What'd she say? She informed me
that the world does not evolve around me.
She said "evolve"? Evolve.
You didn't redeem yourself by telling her
your theory of revolution?
No, I just cut her off. You cut her off.
She was starting to get too clingy.
Who you trying to convince?
You know how they get with "honey this,"
and "honey that." I thought I was turning into a bee.
I cut her off this morning on the phone.
On the phone? On the phone.
How'd she take it? What'd she say?
Don't know. I asked if she'd met tone,
she said no. You know the rest. Click.
That's horrible, sal. I thought you said this girl was nice.
My dog's nice. You don't see me talking dirty to her.
If you did, I wouldn't tell anybody.
Butch ain't the spitting image of Columbo.
True. Give me a beer. Anyway, so that was today.
Tonight, knowing I'm gonna be at the bar,
she comes in with this big, musclebound beach guy,
trying to make me jealous. Me. Ha.
Gino points 'em out, and I'm a bit sauced up at this point,
and I walk over and I say, "hey",
you're not really with this hippie-fied fag, are you?"
He stands up and says, "what'd you say?"
I pulled back my jacket just enough
so he can see my piece and I said,
"I just called you a cockeyed-loving,
"biscuit-lipped, hippie-fied-looking fag.
Now what are you gonna do?" Holy shit. What did he do?
What can he do? His tanned ass turned white as a ghost
and made like Ralph Kramden... homina-homina-homina. Heh.
So I go back to drinking.
Gino comes over later and says, "will you look at that?"
And there is Fabio making out with Columbo all over my bar.
Whatever. So I finish up my whiskey and I walk over.
I slap Tarzan, and I say... Holy shit.
"Antonio Banderas, you know, you're kissing my old girl."
And he says, "yeah?"
I say, "yeah. How's my cock taste?"
Holy shit.
So I strolled up out of there,
I grabbed myself a bottle of maker's and here I am.
Ha-ha-ha. Holy shit.
And she was kissing that Fabio guy
right there in front of you? Yeah.
The two of you broke up this morning?
I broke up with her. Now, why they do that?
Women are supposed to be sensitive.
Women fucking suck. You think so?
No, some suck, but few suck well.
I cannot tell you the last time I had a halfway-decent blowjob.
Must admit, it is a lost art.
I stop 'em half the time. I'm, like, "yo, yo, yo."
It ain't a fucking artichoke, all right?"
Totally. And the funny thing is...
These women think they're so fantastic at it.
I cannot tell you how many times in my life I've heard,
"oh, baby, you cannot handle me. I will rock your world."
Then it comes time to close the deal,
and it's like flipper on Prozac.
Have you ever had a dead-fish fuck?
I would rather have a root canal.
These women think that just being present
is all it takes for bedroom artistry.
Maybe that works for a guy that gets laid
every other leap year,
but for a guy like me, a dead-fish fuck
could have severe ramifications.
I can't believe she pulled a high-school move like that
and brought a date to your bar. I know.
That violates two of the classic "nevers"
in the Geneva convention of breaking up.
The first of which is that you never,
under any circumstances, ever
are you supposed to hang out in your ex's stomping grounds
after you break up! Never!
It's a big city, right? Right.
Why does she have to start hanging out in our bar?
Never used to hang there before. You're goddamn right.
What, there's not, like,
a million other bars in the city? No.
We don't want her there. She's not welcome.
Hell, no.
You don't see us hanging out at the lenscrafters.
No. And that is only second
to the most heinous of violations
with the fact the two of you just broke up this morning.
I broke up with her!
You dumped that Sandy-Duncan- ass-cyclops this morning
and she comes into our lenscrafters on a date?
I mean, isn't there some kind of statute of limitations
or time variable or something
that makes that unconstitutional?
It is fucking bullshit, Tommy! Fucking bullshit, sal!
Will you keep it down? You're gonna wake Karen.
She'll be down here with her Frankenstein gear on.
Kenny. Speaking of Frankenstein, how is your wife?
Sal broke up with Charlotte. Which one's Charlotte?
The black fellow that used to perform
with Dean Martin and Sinatra.
Oh, yeah. She was nice. You two not see eye to eye?
Does Karen wear that green mud shit on her face?
Yes. How is it you don't take
one look and get the shit scared out of you?
Are you kidding? That's how she keeps her skin young.
If that's true, I wish she'd put some on her ass.
I love my wife, but there should be some vow in the wedding
which covers ass size after "I do."
Like an insurance policy.
Brilliant, ass insurance. Exactly.
There's more of her for you to love.
That's easy for you to say. Sara works out five days a week.
What? W-what'd I say?
What happened? Well, apparently...
She'll be working on her arms this evening
when she carries those two suitcases
out that door any minute.
What? Say "I swear to god." No.
It's true.
Three years, and I come home to a dear John
and those two suitcases sitting by the front door.
She's on her way over here.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
Dear John. Dumped on Valentine's day.
Unbelievable. I'm sick.
I gave Sara three years of my life. Three good years.
I mean, sure, we had our problems, everybody does.
But, uh, it was mostly good times.
That's how you're supposed to tell.
I mean, nobody's perfect,
but as long as the good times outweigh the bad,
that's what's supposed to count, right?
Unless she didn't see it that way.
Unless I really didn't make her happy.
Bullshit, Tommy. You're a man.
Since when is it a man's job to make a woman happy?
Want this one? I don't think so.
My point is, you were happy, right?
For three years, you were happy.
You know what I'd give for that? This here, my right arm.
Look at me. I'm a lonely, drunken, misogynistic asshole
who goes from one empty relationship to another,
whose only solace is found completely obliterated
at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey.
I can't remember a single time in my life
when I was happy for three consecutive days,
let alone three years. Are you kidding me?
You know whose fault that is? Mine.
'Cause I am responsible for my own happiness.
If Sara wasn't happy, that is her own fucking problem.
She didn't do the things that she needed to do
to make sure she was happy. You're not dionne Warwick.
You're not a mind reader. You're not a psychic best friend.
You are tom Reilly, one of the best people I know.
And if she can't see that,
then she needs to go to lenscrafters.
Why does it hurt so bad, huh?
Why do I feel like I wanna die inside?
'Cause you're beautiful, tom. He's right, you're beautiful.
Not a fag or nothing, but you're like a real person.
You are a man. You don't think if I knew Karen
was gonna leave me, I wouldn't be down here crying,
asking you two geniuses how I could get her back?
Christ, sal, too.
You had me until you brought sal into it.
Ha-ha. Very funny. You don't think I got feelings?
You don't think I'm sensitive? Let me tell you something.
I got more feelings in my left nut
than you two schoolgirls put together.
Ooh. Come on now. Here we go again.
Ooh. I know. I know what they say about me.
I know what they say about guys like me.
They say that we're pigs, right? That we're dogs.
Uh, in your defense, they don't exclude.
I been married five years, my wife still says it.
Oh, that's right. They don't exclude. They say "all."
"All men are pigs. All men are dogs.
All men are scum."
They talk and talk and talk their little asses off
about what monsters we are.
They don't understand that they're the very ones
that created the Frankensteins they abhor.
Frankenstein was a whore? Leave my wife out of this.
Laugh all you want, but I'm serious.
Every womanizer, every player,
every guy juggling three broads at the same time
is only doing so out of fear.
Fear of being crushed by a woman.
'Cause one day, back in the day, they weren't a player.
They liked one girl, just one.
They gave it up to her, didn't they?
And they gave it up to her.
They gave it up 'cause they were romantics.
And they gave it up to the girl they loved, and what happened?
They got rocked or they got crushed or they got destroyed.
They got cheated on or laughed at or something.
When they're finished picking up the pieces
of what was once their heart, know what they said?
They all, every single one of them, made a vow.
Never to give it up again. That's right.
Never to give it up again.
Now we're talking about the real bastards.
Guys that break hearts occupationally.
Believe it or not, originally,
those cats were the most beautiful
and the most romantic of all. You know what happened?
They're the ones that got hurt worst of all.
'Cause you never get over it. No, god, no!
You never get over it.
Yes, you recover, but you never get over it.
And what happened? When they all recovered...
You know what they all said? They all said...
"Okay, I see. All right.
If that's how it's gonna be, I can play that way, too."
So you see that we are all responsible
for the cycle of the vicious circle.
So you're saying you're afraid? Absolutely.
I ain't never getting my heart broken again
like I did when I was 16.
But why? Why do people hurt each other like that?
Why don't they just take care of each other's feelings?
It's so easy.
Because people are selfish and they don't care.
I mean, look, we've all done it, right?
We've all been in that situation where we're with another woman,
and we know what we're about to do is wrong.
We know that if we do this thing,
it's gonna hurt somebody we care for so badly.
And it'll ruin everything, I mean, everything.
All the years of work that we put into it,
in some cases children, entire families,
and yet we look, we've got this
young, hot piece of ass in front of us.
And at that moment, we just throw everything away,
and we do it anyway. We fucking do it anyway.
We know it's gonna kill our wife or our girlfriend or whatever,
but we do it anyway. And that, my friends...
Is why we're all so fucked up. Because we do it anyway.
We're thinking the grass is greener somewhere else,
that the better deal is around the corner
ready to present itself.
And we forget what good friends we have right here,
and that the grass is pretty fucking nice right here.
But we're not kind, for the most part, are we?
We're not strong, and we're certainly not wise,
so we throw away people who are most valuable to us.
We waste them, like we have 'em to waste. And you know, sal...
If you keep doing it,
you're gonna wake up one day, and you're gonna be old.
You're gonna be alone, or worse,
stuck with some vacuous,
one-eyed stripper in bed who you can't talk to.
So you wanna put a bullet in your head,
'cause you missed the couple truly great ones you once had
and that you, uh, threw away.
That's horrible. Frightening.
It's almost enough to make you wanna turn gay.
Oh, my god, I'm so excited, I'm harder than Chinese math.
Someone get me a red bull. Wayne!
Hey, dawg. You got my message.
Didn't tell me she was coming.
Where you been? I've been calling you all week.
In Hawaii, planning a wedding.
They're legalizing gay marriages down there now.
They're so smart. It's gonna boom their economy.
Just what the world needs, samoan fags.
Wow, a wedding. Who's getting married? Anyone we know?
Yeah, silly. Me. Get out of here.
What are you talking about? I'm serious. His name's Kwame...
And he's from the Virgin Islands.
Let me tell you, sweetheart, after this weekend,
that boy is definitely not a virgin, mm-Kay? Heh-heh.
Anyway, he's on his way over here right now
because I wanted you all to meet him.
Are you out of your mind? You are so fucked up.
Oh, so you're getting married. That's terrific.
I don't know what to say.
Say you'll come to Hawaii and be my best man.
Are you serious? Yes, I'm serious.
Who else would I choose? Bring Sara down with you...
And the four of us will have a blast.
What? What did I say?
You said plenty, asshole.
Our boy got dumped tonight. What? Why?
She said she needed her space.
And that ho didn't think she had enough between her legs?
Wayne. I'm sorry,
but nobody breaks Tommy's heart and gets away with it.
I never liked her, anyway. She's an actress.
"Oh, hi, Sara, how are you?"
"Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me."
I swear to god, I'd ask her how she was doing,
and she'd tell me how she once got a callback for Matlock.
That's a woman who thinks her entire self-worth
is determined by her résumé. You can't be dealing with that.
You need someone that thinks about you,
somebody that'll take care of you.
Someone who's nurturing.
Yeah, man, nurturing bitches.
I love me nurturing bitches. They are the best.
Don't get me wrong, they gotta be good-looking.
I can't be dealing with no ugly-ass nurturing bitches.
Know what I'm saying? I'm telling you...
This is god's way of trying to tell you
you're supposed to date men.
Oh, sure, that's what I need.
A nice hairy ass. That'll solve everything.
Don't start with that faggot shit tonight, Wayne.
I don't wanna hear it. It was a joke. I was kidding.
Bullshit. You do it all the time.
It's all part of the subliminal mind meld, faggot shit
you fags pull all the time.
Only I can see the shit coming all the way from Cleveland.
Sal. Don't think I'm not on to you.
You throw something here, say something there.
You drop a line about this and an innuendo about that.
You fuckos plant the seed,
and next thing, everyone's sucking dick.
Come on, sal. Oh, come on, my ass.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm engaged.
You see what I mean?
You fags are like jehovah witnesses
or vampires or something.
As soon as one of you thinks you're gay,
you want everyone else in the world to be gay, too.
Think they're gay? Uh, no.
First of all, I don't think I'm gay, sal, I am gay.
And secondly, I don't want you to convert, okay?
I wouldn't wish that on any man.
I was simply trying to get tom's mind off the subject of women.
You guys are so pathetic, I'll bet you before I got here,
that's all you were talking about.
Of course it was. Look at yourselves.
You guys are worse than a bunch of girls.
Every other straight man I know
spends their time talking about sports or cars
or their careers, where they want to travel to,
the last fight they got into.
Something. Even if it's mundane and prehistoric,
it's something other than women.
Have you ever overheard a conversation between women?
What is it always about? Men. That's it.
That's all they ever talk about.
And you guys are worse than them.
I'm actually starting to wonder
if there's a set of balls between you three.
All right, I can only handle
being chastised by a fag for so long.
At least as long as my father's on this earth.
Oh, well, that's really clever.
Hey, why don't you just go gay bashing
with some of your hoodlum friends
and save us the subtlety of your innuendo.
If I do, I'm gonna start with you, you big fucking queen.
I mean, who in the hell are you, anyways,
you confused, fucked up, backwards cocksucker?
You think you know who you are 'cause you can express yourself?
'Cause you're out of the closet and you can be the real you?
Come on, sal. No, fuck that, Tommy.
I know I'm not supposed to say anything here,
'cause as a white, heterosexual male,
by definition, I'm wrong about everything from jump street.
I know that. I know I can't win. But you see this kid here?
This kid used to be one of my best friends.
And all of a sudden, he turns swish on me? Okay?
Now he tells me he's gonna marry a fucking man.
And I gotta sit here and pretend like I dig that?
I don't even know how to fucking deal with that, okay?
And maybe I've had a little too much to drink tonight,
and maybe I'll apologize to Wayne-o in the morning,
but for right now, I'm gonna rip him a new fucking asshole.
Ooh, that sounds fun. Verbally, you pervert.
Let me explain something to you, all right?
You are not gay, okay? You understand?
You were born a man. And unless you're a hermaphrodite,
mother nature does not fuck up. Being gay's not physical.
It's a mental thing, it's a psychological situation.
You were probably molested as a little kid.
You got fucked up and insecure about your sexuality
when you hit puberty, and you thought to yourself,
"my gosh, I must be gay." Well, you're not.
You were born a little boy.
You didn't speak with that lisp,
that fucking... pfft... thing, either.
You're putting that on like an accent. That is an affectation.
When you were a kid, you didn't act all fruity like you do now.
Don't forget, Wayne-o. Motherfucker...
I've known you since elementary school.
It is a proven fact that some people are born gay.
It's not psychological, it's physical.
A certain portion of the brain... which portion?
I don't know, the thalamus or something.
The thalamus or something? The hypothalamus.
The hypothalamus? I don't know!
Just some certain stem thing in the brain
grows different in the brain of gay men. It's a proven fact.
Says who? Says doctors.
Which doctors? Medical doctors.
You're still being vague. No, I'm not.
Medical doctors have proven...
do you know their names? What?
You heard me, motherfucker. Don't stall for time.
Do you know their names or did you hear it's a proven fact?
I heard about it, okay? But everybody knows...
ah, ah! You heard about it, but everybody knows.
I see. Very interesting. Hmm.
You heard about it,
but everybody knows it's a proven fact.
That sounds like a rumor to me.
See, I happen to know the name of the doctor
that said he proved that theory.
I know the names of doctors that corroborated the story.
Can I tell you something? Can I hip you to a bit...
Of potentially earth-shattering information?
They're all gay.
All of 'em.
Dr. Lipshits, dipshits
and motherfucking mipshits are all faggot motherfuckers
who unethically used their status as doctors
to further their own anally suggestive ends.
He's actually right.
They did a, ahem, whole exposé on those three doctors.
I read the article about it in the times.
Can you believe that shit?
Motherfuckers telling people they got some weird stem shit
growing in their brain so they start sucking dick.
I mean, I don't care if a motherfucker told me
I had a tree growing in my head.
Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever gonna start sucking dick.
You imagine that conversation? "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Johnson?
"We have some bad news and some good news. Ah.
"The bad news is we found some weird growth
"in your cerebral cortex.
"The good news is,
you can start sucking dick immediately."
All right, that's enough. Fuck that, Tommy.
That's enough. Guys, come on.
We're supposed to be happy for Wayne tonight.
He's getting married. And it's a big deal.
I don't care if he's marrying a goat,
we're supposed to be supportive.
You had me until the goat. It's a metaphor, Ken.
Yeah, but with Wayne, you never know.
Look, we get enough shit
from the rest of the world out there.
Last thing we need is getting dumped on
by people who are supposed to be getting our backs.
Do you want this one? Getting dumped on?
Someone's back? I don't think so.
He's happy, all right?
Look, Wayne is... smile for me. He's happy!
That's a lot more than I can say
for the rest of the world out there.
It's definitely more than I can say for you and I, sal.
Of course, he's happy, tom. He's gay.
I'm done.
He doesn't have to deal with chick drama all the time.
Do you know how happy I would be
if I didn't have to deal with chick drama all the time?
Do you know how happy I'd be
if I had someone I could shoot hoops with,
watch a game with, go drinking with,
play poker with, and would blow me six times a day?
Are you kidding me? I wish I could be gay.
I would be the biggest and the best fag of them all.
I'd be king of the fags.
I just can't seem to get in that good of shape.
I got no problem...
With the whole being-gay aspect of it, Wayne.
All right? I really don't.
You want to ass-fuck a man, that is your own business.
I got no problem with that.
I like ass fucking as much as the next guy.
I don't think you need to parade it down the middle of the street
and tell everybody you're into that.
Hey, if it's your thing,
you want to be left alone to do your thing,
then shut the fuck up and keep it your thing.
I'm not talking about hiding in the back of the closet.
Just don't shove it in my face.
Are you done?
Probably not, but I'm tired of talking, so go ahead.
You know what? You're right.
My gregariousness does make me a target. I know that.
But whether you think you're right or wrong
about all your psychoanalytical bullshit about me,
I did not come here tonight to be beat up
or put under a microscope.
I came here tonight to share my joy with you,
not to be berated by the people who are supposedly my friends.
I mean, I knew you were gonna be here tonight, sal,
and I knew you were gonna bust my balls about this,
but I really thought that, underneath it all,
you'd be happy for me.
I never thought you'd be so vicious.
If I'd known that, I never would have come.
I wouldn't have invited the man I'm going to marry
over to a place where he would be ridiculed.
I mean, I might be into some kinky shit,
but I am not a masochist, and I'm certainly not stupid.
Good night, everyone.
Come on. Go.
Go. Wayne.
What?
All right, all right already.
Don't go.
"Don't go"?
Well, that's a joke. Give me one good reason why not.
All right, all right.
I don't know how to say this, okay, so I'm just gonna say it.
Uh...
My girl dumped me today.
I'm sorry I lied to you, Tommy.
I came here acting like a stud, like I gave her the heisman,
but truth of the matter is, she fucking dumped me.
I saw her out tonight with some gq fucking jawbone guy,
and he was way better-looking than me,
and it hurt a little bit.
You know, maybe more than just a little bit.
Pulled some bogart move on the motherfucker.
I made him look like a bitch in front of everyone,
but the truth of the matter is, she still went home with him.
So...
Now I'm drunk and I'm pissed, and...
I come in here, and I take it out on you guys.
The truth of the matter is, I'm just jealous.
Not that I wanna be a fag or nothing,
but you're always up, always doing good,
and you don't fucking need me being an asshole to ya.
So, uh, don't go.
And, uh...
I wanna meet your, uh...
Friend.
Oh, sal.
Jesus Christ. Just get it over with.
Oh...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my god, Sal's gay.
God!
You see what happens when you try to be nice?
Your friends think you're a fag. So much for fucking Karma.
Now don't say that. I was kidding.
I was watching through the window. You were very sweet.
Don't even start. I'm serious, sal.
I've never seen that side of you before.
You were amazing. I mean, you were kind and vulnerable.
Not only did you physically embrace Wayne,
but you were open emotionally as well.
I think that's... that's a tremendous step for you.
I'm gonna put a tremendous step upside your head
you don't shut up with the treehugger bullshit.
He's a treehugger, sal. That's his thing.
I know, but it's fucking lame, with the tie-dyes and the vibes
and the Birkenstocks. Always trying to get me...
To change and grow and take it to the next level.
Does that shit ever work? What do you mean?
With chicks. Ever get any chicks with a lame-ass angle like that?
'Cause I got a dozen chicks
coming through that door in, like, two seconds.
And if you fucking cock-block and pull out a ouija board,
I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna fucking shoot you.
It's not an angle.
I know it's not. It's a non-angle.
As it should be. I mean, it's not about getting over.
It's about being real, about communication.
How come I never see you having any real communication
with any real chicks, like, ever?
Maybe that's 'cause I don't look at women the way you do.
I think women are beautiful. I think they're amazing.
They're the most magical of all of god's creations.
I am enamored with them.
And, frankly, I don't know how to pretend like I'm not.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm talking about the 11th-man theory.
Come on, everybody knows the 11th-man theory.
No, stupid. Nobody knows the 11th-man theory but you.
No, I know a little something about the 11-man theory.
Ha-ha-ha. Shut up. What... what are you talking about?
Say there's a woman in a room with 10 men,
and all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is
and how amazing she is.
They're lighting her cigarette, buying her drinks
and just treating her like gold.
Then, all of a sudden, in walks the 11th man.
He takes one look at her and says, "how you doing?"
Turns his back on her and starts talking to his boys.
That's the guy she wants to be with, the 11th man,
not any of the 10 men who were treating her well,
but the one guy who couldn't care less.
And why? Because, for some reason, women don't want nice.
They don't want real. They don't wanna be treated well.
I mean, not at first, and sometimes not ever,
and I think that's crazy, and I refuse to play that game.
I mean, you? You are a master at it, sal,
but it's just not me, it's not who I am.
I don't want to play that game,
get a girl by pretending that I don't like her.
I wanna be with a woman who's real,
who-who digs it when I'm nice to her,
who doesn't see that as weakness,
or take me for granted when I tell her
that I think she's more amazing than anything else
in the entire world,
but unfortunately, most women aren't like that.
They say they are, and deep down inside they wanna be,
but they're not.
You know what? He's right. I never could understand that.
When I was a kid, every girl I liked had a boyfriend.
And I'd have to hear about it all the time.
How he'd, you know, fuck their best friends,
cheat on 'em, spend their money, wreck their car...
A-and, of course, they'd come crying on my shoulder
'cause I was a good "friend."
And I'd ask 'em why, "why don't you just dump the guy
that's treating you like shit and be with me?"
I mean, I was right there.
I'd lay the world at their feet if they'd let me,
but they'd always say the same thing...
"I can't because I love him. I just love him."
Yeah. How would you know?
Believe me, being gay doesn't exclude you
from the neurosis of relationships.
I wish it did. But it's the same all over.
Everybody's playing the "I like you, but you don't like me",
"then when you do like me, I don't like you" game.
It's insane. Insanity.
Well, I hate to admit it,
but I think I actually have to agree with him.
When I was a little kid, I used to bring girls flowers.
I'd write 'em poems and shit, fucking songs.
I even gave that one girl... remember Molly gere...
I gave her that locket necklace for Valentine's day.
Sal, you wrote songs?
Shut up. My point is this... you remember what she did to me?
She kicked me in the shin, threw the locket on the ground
and ran around telling the whole school I had fucking cooties.
I remember that. You went home in tears that day.
Those weren't tears, tom. She threw sand in my eyes, too.
We were in the first grade.
No, no, no, my point is this... it was like that for years...
Until, ahem, I discovered the pattern to "pac-man."
You got chicks because you could play "pac-man"?
No, stupid, I'm making an analogy here.
Chicks got a pattern. See? Like "pac-man."
You remember "pac-man," right?
"Pac-man," motherfucker, had a pattern.
You played the pattern right, you could never lose.
George is right. For chicks, it's the 11th-man theory.
As soon as you figure out how to be the 11th man,
you got no problem banging any chick you want.
Only problem you do have is now you have to deal
with some manipulative little freak
you're stuck with 'cause you hooked her.
Which is why, gentlemen,
I resigned myself a long time ago
to being a rich motherfucker.
That way, I can afford to have some young, hot,
gold-digging arm piece,
works out six, eight hours a day
just to take care of my physical needs.
Mm.
Well, that's limiting.
What about intellectually, emotionally?
What about emotionally or intellectually?
Now, most women think monogamy is a type of wood.
They don't know how to be it.
They certainly don't know how to spell it.
And they say men cheat?
Who the fuck do you think we're cheating with?
Certainly not you, Wayne. You think I'm getting...
Emotionally connected to a woman like that? I don't think so.
And if I want intellectual stimulation,
motherfucker, I'll read a book.
You're gonna go the rest of your life
just willing to settle for having to compartmentalize?
I don't even fucking understand what you said,
but, yeah, sure, I'll do that. No, I'm serious.
At this point in my life, my idea of synergy
is getting a blowjob from Pamela Anderson
while reading, uh, doskeyevsky.
I'm telling you, George,
you gotta stop putting chicks on a pedestal.
They'll just shit on you from up there.
Tom, too. Christ, me, too.
Hey, George, hey, if you want real, that's great.
Go deal with them Portland bitches
with the braided armpit hair
and 3-pounds-a-day granola-eating habit,
sporting that fucking bendy.
Hey, George! Hey, I'm talking to you.
Hey. Hello? Is that real?
Seriously, if I... i have a question.
If I listen to deepak chopra
and I read that Celestine prophecy
and I "no-hom-to-yoren-kyo" my fucking ass off all day
while I reek of Bo and sandalwood
and I got 10 different kinds of incense
coming out my fucking butthole, does that make me real?
Hey, motherfucker. Am I a real motherfucker?
I'll tell you right now.
Motherfucker, I may bullshit women,
but I never bullshit myself.
Lesson over.
Let me tell you, that is the biggest crock of shit
I've ever heard in my entire life, seriously.
How the fuck would you... no, no, no.
No, please. Mr. tough guy.
Got the whole fucking wide world sewn up in a tight little box
and you ain't even 40.
Well, I love you, but you ain't doing nothing but bullshitting.
What are you talking about?
Sal, you're the biggest romantic I know. More than any of us.
Who do you think you're fooling?
Come on, we've all known you
since elementary school, too.
Big, tough buddy boy running around playing gangster,
but you didn't start out like that.
You wear your heart on your sleeve.
It's the biggest heart in the world.
Tough as you wanna be, you still can't figure out
how to keep people from taking their shots at it.
You talk about indoctrination, look at yourself.
I didn't say shit about indoctri...
sure, you did. When you tried to sell Wayne
on that line of crap about how
he's not really a homosexual
'cause he didn't come out of the womb like that.
What about you?
Think you came out of your mother
with all that attitude and shit that makes you you?
You didn't start out that way.
You gave a girl a locket necklace, man,
and wrote her a fucking song.
You wanna talk about that?
Or you guys wanna talk about the 11th man theory,
game-playing, the vicious circle and shit about how
you're never gonna get hurt like you did when you were 16?
Well, I think you can't help it.
I think you do have feelings, in spite of yourself sometimes.
I think that is what you wrestle with.
I mean, look at yourself, my man.
You were affected tonight
by a woman with a glass fucking eye
who thought the word "prima Donna"
meant "before Madonna."
Come on, you're better than that.
You could have been with any girl.
But instead, you thought you'd go safe
and hook up with a girl so far beneath your standards
that she'd never have to hurt you.
You wanna know what? She still hurt you.
So, what's the point? Why not just hold out
for the one that spins your top and make it great with her?
How? If they're all so fucked up, you tell me how.
You gotta teach 'em.
You gotta teach 'em, man.
But that takes being a responsible member
of the planet, sal.
And I don't mean you gotta be a treehugger...
no offense, Georgie.
But everybody's so out for the fucking "me" these days.
It's not the x generation or the y generation.
It's the brand-new me generation.
Everybody's so busy doing
their fucking dance in the end zone,
they forget to notice the bigger picture...
the scoreboard that reads that we're down by nine touchdowns.
If you meet a girl who doesn't know how to be monogamous
or how to even spell the word, you can either say,
"oh, this girl's so fucking stupid,"
and you can dump her or you can say,
"baby, come here. Check this out.
M-o-n-o-g-a-m-y."
And you can show her how to be monogamous
by being monogamous yourself.
You want good people, man, make 'em good.
Anybody can be an asshole. It takes strength to be a man.
Is that what you taught Karen?
Are you kidding me? That's what she taught me.
You remember how I was before I met her.
Heh-heh. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so do I.
It seems to me that we saw a lot more of you back then,
but I understand, you're pussy-whipped.
No, I'm not pussy-whipped, man.
She's just my best friend, that's all.
I'd rather hang out with her than anybody, even you.
Then what are you doing down here,
sneaking off as soon as she falls asleep,
when you know damn well she's gonna wake up
and drag your ass back upstairs
faster than you can say "codependent"?
Yeah, but what you don't understand is when that happens,
she's gonna be taking me where I wanna be.
Man.
You're living in a fucking fantasyland.
I mean, I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Since when did this start happening to you?
I mean, look at you.
Karen is a ballbuster, man. She's a fucking ballbuster.
She is such a ballbuster,
she's got you fucked up and delusional and shit.
Kenny, you're a man. How can you live like that?
It's not a delusion, sal.
It's just you and I see things differently, that's all.
You see it as ballbusting, I see it as passionate.
Do you see? You see it as...
"I gotta pick her up from the airport."
I see it as, "I get to pick her up."
It's all about how you look at it.
Well, I'm looking at you like you're out of your fucking mind.
If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit.
Ain't no way this motherfucker
is ever getting married, you heard?
Why don't you tell that crock of shit to Tommy here?
I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
For three years, he's cashing his chips in early,
going home to a girl who up and clotheslines his ass
and leaves him staggering in the street, his guts out,
wondering what he did wrong.
Ha! What he did wrong.
How about that for a mindfuck? What? Tell me.
Come on, fuckers, tell me. He didn't love her enough?
He didn't treat her well enough? I don't think so.
We all agree to a man
that Tommy is the best person we know.
Seems to me I recall, somewhere back in the day,
him holding out for one that spun his top
and doing whatever he could to make it work,
but it didn't work... all right.
Because she dumped him, she fucking dumped his ass.
The best guy we know does everything right.
She still fucking dumps him.
So your theory is shit.
I mean, it is fucking a bunch of shit.
You wanna know why?
There's two people in a relationship... two...
and they're both always changing.
So no matter what you do, how the fuck are you ever able
to tell what the other person's gonna do tomorrow?
All right, sal. No, fuck...
no, all right! Fuck, sal!
Fuck! Sal, please.
No, no, no, Wayne, you shut up too for a second.
I mean, you guys are all so fucking selfish.
All of you, man.
You're talking about me like I'm not even here.
Tommy, look, I was just...
no! Fuck that! That's fucking bullshit, sal!
I mean, you come into my home and all you guys talk about
is your problems, your feelings, your relationships.
Ever stop to think what I was going through?
I mean, I'm fucking dying over here, man.
It's not tomorrow or the next day
or in the first fucking grade, sal.
It's happening right now.
I got the love of my life
walking through that door any minute,
and she's gonna leave me,
and I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
All I know is... I can't let that happen.
I gotta get her back.
Now, either you guys help me figure this out right now,
or you get the hell out of here and let me do it on my own,
because whether you think so or not,
Sara's the best thing that ever happened to me,
and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get her back.
What if you don't?
What?
I was just... um... look, I was just being
devil's advocate, all right?
What if you don't?
What if you don't get her back? What then?
Well, then I guess I'll just be like you, sal.
A man without love. Very dramatic.
What kind of man is that, huh? Angry? Vindictive? A monster?
Oh-ho-ho-ho, but I'll be way worse than you, sal,
'cause you never had what I have.
The kind of love I have in my heart for Sara?
You lose that, heh, well, I'd hate to be any girl
that crosses my path any time soon.
Aw... shut the fuck up, George.
I don't wanna hear it. If Sara wants to leave me,
then I'll start a new chapter of an old club.
The he-man woman-haters club. Remember that? Huh?
Remember that shit?
With, uh, Spanky and Alfalfa and buckwheat?
They had this thing, the he-man woman-haters club.
They didn't take shit from Darla or any of them bitches.
He's lost his mind.
Oh, they had the right idea back then.
I mean, you didn't see Darla
or any of them other chicks putting on shows, did you?
No. Spanky and Alfalfa ran the show,
and if them bitches wanted to be a part of what was going on,
they did what they were told!
Starsky and hutch? No chicks. Successful.
Baretta? Lived with an old man and a bird.
No chick drama, no problem. Batman? Gay.
But only when he ever gets tempted by catwoman
did he have any real problems.
Han solo? With Chewie, he was fine.
He hooks up with Princess Leia,
his ass gets thrown in the carbonite.
Chicks are the downfall of every great man that ever lived.
Mark Antony, othello, Bill Clinton, all of 'em.
And he who does not learn from history
is doomed to repeat its mistakes.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I don't wanna be with Sara. I want nothing to do with her.
In fact, if she walked through that door now,
the best thing I could do is throw her sorry ass on out.
I mean, this is still my house, right?
I don't care how much I love her.
She can come, she can get her shit,
and she can get the fuck out!
I-I never wanna see Sara again. I never wanna see another woman.
Masturbation the key to the universe be.
And if I never see another woman again,
it'll be too damn soon in this motherfucker!
I'll handle this.
Is this where the Valentine's thing is?
You gonna invite us in, or what?
Did you see the looks on those guys' faces
when we walked in?
I felt like a steak dinner in a sea of piranha.
Laura, it was not that bad.
At least these guys are cute.
More than I can say for the last party Rachel took us to.
What, 20 hot girls and two fat, ugly, gross guys?
What's wrong with that?
What you get when you work in porn.
I don't work in the porn industry.
- I just do their hair. - Whatever!
What's that guy sal doing here?
Isn't he some gangster? A wannabe gangster.
A wannabe? Katherine, the man carries a gun.
For show, Laura. He flashes it around.
He'd never use it. How would you know?
Katherine used to go out with him.
Is this true? No, it is not true. Never.
I slept with him once, but I never went out with him.
And? He was a perfect gentleman.
Terrible lover but a gentleman. Terrible lover?
What do you mean? He thinks he's such a stud.
Exactly. He doth protest too much.
He didn't know how to do it right?
Are you kidding? He did not know how at all.
I couldn't get this man to go down on me
- if we were on the Titanic. - Oh!
Shit. Why? I don't know.
I think he said he had some sort of germ thing.
A germ thing? Like what? A phobia?
Like, a germ phobia? I hate when guys say that.
It makes me feel so unsanitary.
Because you are unsanitary.
Oh, go fuck yourselves.
But what about the penis, Kat? I mean, was the penis bad, too?
Yeah, what's with the dick?
Katherine says he's got a cock the size of Florida.
Is this true? No, it is not true. It...
It's what? It's what? Like the cape of good hope?
Like cape canaveral? No.
Like the cape that superman used to wear?
Have you ever seen a Sunday paper rolled up?
Yes. No! Double that.
How bad could that be? Unless the guy came in seconds.
Oh, my god. Quick draw Mcgraws are the worst.
Actually, he was the exact opposite. He took forever.
I just got so frustrated
riding that monster so long without any foreplay
that I went home.
You went home? Went home.
What, in an ambulance? No, in my car.
But I did have such incredible blue balls
from the whole experience that I had to call up
one of my zerves to finish the job.
A "zerves"? What's a zerves?
Reserves, Amy, as in the army reserves.
Always have a couple zerves in your stable
to call any time to rectify such a situation.
The kind of guys that fix your car, help you move,
come over in the middle of the night
when you hear scary noises.
Don't you have any reserves? No.
You mean to tell me there is nobody you can call
when you need to get over a breakup?
I can call my mom.
That's really not the same, now, is it?
Oh, honey, you are missing out. You gotta try it sometime.
You use 'em like painkillers.
They tell you all the things that you wanna hear,
like how great you are, how beautiful you are...
what a fucking idiot your boyfriend is.
And you get to be totally selfish in bed.
Because that's what they're for.
They know they'll never be Mr. right.
They're just happy with being Mr. right-now!
It sure beats crying in your pillow.
Like my mother always says,
the best way to get over someone
is to get underneath someone else.
Amen, sister.
I just can't come from a cock the size of Florida.
I need a tongue the size of Florida, too.
You need gene Simmons in there. Exactly.
Enough! Jesus Christ, I've heard enough.
That's disgusting, you two are disgusting.
I... I can't believe I'm hearing this. What happened to you?
You sound like men, I mean, with the blue balls and zerves.
I mean, whatever happened to closeness and intimacy?
Since when did you two become so desensitized?
Oh, please, Laura, you have to have sex
at least once every millennium before you can lecture us.
Rachel, I might be the only woman left on earth
who can lecture you on the subject.
I-I mean, listen to yourselves. Where are your priorities?
Instead of getting some random guy to rub out an orgasm
and repair your fridge,
don't you want somebody who will always be there
for you in the middle of the night
to protect you from those scary noises?
Are you fucking delusional? You sound like a hallmark card.
You can't argue with me.
You just used a word that does not exist.
Really? And what word is that? You used the word "always."
"Always" is the key to heartbreak. Why?
Because we expect that he will always be there.
We expect that we will always be loved,
no matter what we do or what we look like.
That is clearly not the case, now, is it?
Because we get fat. We get old.
We get traded in for younger models every day.
So the simple truth is
the only "always" is that everything changes.
In my experience, men's whims are the most changeable of all.
So "no," I guess, is the answer to your question.
No, I do not want some guy to tell me
that he is always gonna be there
to protect me from the scary noises,
'cause then I'm gonna know he's a liar.
I can protect myself, thank you. With what, your vibrator?
Are you gonna massage 'em to death?
I don't need no vibrator. Oh, I know.
You've got the entire population of Uruguay on speed dial,
just in case the Boston celtics don't work out.
You know, you are such a fucking hypocrite, Laura.
You're one of those girls who sucks a million cocks
but only slept with three guys, so think you're some Saint.
You're not.
Blowjobs are exactly the same thing as having sex.
In fact, to some men, probably worse.
That is so not true. Blowjobs are different than having sex.
It's not even the same thing. Oh, it's not, is it?
It's not the same thing to take
some strange man's dick out of his pants
when you don't know where it's been or if he's showered,
put it in your mouth, suck on it
and then swallow his come
when you've only known the guy for, like, a few hours?
You're right. Not the same thing.
Oh, come on, Rachel, a couple hours?
Oh, what is it, then, precious? A-a few days at the very most?
I mean, when you add it all up,
what is the total amount of time you need to spend with a guy
before you're down on your knees getting a throat culture?
What, six hours on the first date,
four on the next?
Ooh, the time the two of you had some "coffee"?
Why are you picking on me?
I thought we were friends. We are friends.
But I also know you're full of shit,
and I wouldn't be any real friend
if I didn't call you on that nice-girl bullshit you sell
to every guy you go out with.
What's that supposed to mean? You know exactly what.
It means, when you first start seeing a guy,
do you tell him about the 8000 blowjobs you've given,
or do you try to sell him on the fact
that you've only slept with three guys?
That's what I thought. So don't try selling it to me either,
because then you're not being a very good friend to me.
You want a real relationship?
Fine. Be honest.
If the man can't handle the truth about who you are,
he can just go fuck himself.
You can't handle the truth!
Remember that?
With the guy from the Lakers game?
Rachel, since when are you anyone
to tell anybody about relationships?
Since I'm the one woman in this room
who sees things the way they are
instead of seeing them the way we want 'em to be.
Laura, you have stuffed animals on your bed, bunny magnets
and ceramic my secret garden crap all around your house.
Tell me you have a firm grip on reality.
Relationships end, ladies, and they all end badly.
Otherwise, they wouldn't end.
And the only "always" is, is that they always end badly.
So you'd better change your perspective.
I'm sorry. I don't choose to see it that way.
Exactly. That's exactly my point.
But the reality is, they do. Think about it.
The best-case scenario in a relationship
is that one of you dies.
And that's the best it ever gets.
Is that a fucking design flaw or what?
You meet the love of your life. You're together 50, 60 years.
Then one of you dies, leaving the other heartbroken and alone.
Alone to live out the last few geriatric years
of your miserable life, trying not to die from pain,
and your only solace is bingo and applesauce.
You go, girl.
And down from that, getting dumped.
Which I used to think was worse than dumping.
Because you feel so out of control, ugly, worthless,
unworthy, self-conscious and just fucking lame.
I mean, Jesus.
I used to think getting dumped
was worse than dumping someone else,
until finally I dumped someone myself.
And let me tell you something, ladies.
It is way, way, way, way worse than getting dumped yourself,
because now you have to deal with the fact
that it is your idea.
And it was your action,
so you're constantly second-guessing yourself.
"Did I do the right thing? Is he the best I'm gonna find?
"Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life
"because I threw away the best fucking thing
that's ever gonna happen to me?"
Oh, and that comes before you have to try to turn that person
into someone you could hate,
so you could try to find a way to live with that decision.
Oh, no. I think it's pretty clear.
I would rather get dumped than dump someone else.
But then, I really don't ever have to worry about that again.
Ladies.
Can I have a bushmills, straight? Yeah, you got it.
Uh, hi. Uh, my name is tom, and this is my place.
And the thing is
that I'm going through a lot of unexpected things,
and I really, really would...
tom, don't worry about it.
We're gonna have one drink, and then we'll go.
I kinda got the picture when we walked in the door.
Oh, you did. Well, I'm sorry... you did?
I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,
but, uh, what kind of picture is that, exactly?
That your girlfriend broke up with you
and she's on her way here right now
to pick up those suitcases by the door.
You got all that from walking in here?
No, I got that from the letter I found on the table.
We were all reading it in the bathroom.
Tom, it is absolutely horrible.
Oh, my god.
Are you kidding me? What just got into her?
No one yet, that's the problem. Relax, Rachel's fine.
Fine, sure. Fucked up, insecure and emotional. Sure, she's fine.
Do you know how hard it is to do what she does?
Yes, scheduling can be a problem.
No, Laura, Rachel tells men where they stand.
Behind her while she's bent over.
No, Rachel tells men the truth.
Not what they wanna hear but the actual truth.
That's admirable, considering that, as women,
we're conditioned to lie.
What are you talking about? Yeah, I got to hear this.
You know how a man, if he has sex with a hundred women,
he's a stud?
But if a woman sleeps with 10 guys, she's a whore.
So how the hell does a woman not feel she has to lie
with that ridiculous double standard?
That's not lying, that's just not giving all the information.
No, that's justification. If men weren't so infantile
about confronting their women's history, we wouldn't lie.
Know how easy my relationship would've been
if I didn't have to deal with "did you fuck him?" Questions?
Amen.
"Did you fuck him? Did you fuck him?"
"Who was that guy? Did you fuck him?"
"Who you on the phone with? Huh? Who?"
"Why's there a guy's voice on your machine? You fuck him?"
The younger the guy is, the worse it is. Or latino.
Heaven forbid they meet anyone you have been with.
And then it's sulking for days. Or attitude.
Then they never stop bringing the shit up.
"Why don't you fuck so-and-so?"
That's when you're dealing with their insecurities
about other men.
Don't even get me started on the bedroom.
Do you know how patient I have to be
with these oversized babies? Like my mother always says,
"I already got two children, I don't need a third."
You admit that lying is part and parcel to your relationships?
Deb, is it lying to tell a child that there is a Santa claus
if it makes him feel better?
Is it lying not to tell a man about fucking the raiders
if it makes him feel better about marrying you?
Know what, fine.
As far as I can see, we don't have any choice.
If I have to choose between not telling a man every detail
about my life so that things can go smoothly
or being completely honest and staying up all night fighting,
there really ain't no choice, you know?
I do. And, Amy, you're right. Men can't handle the truth.
And the sooner we learn that, the smoother things will be.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, I can't believe things have gotten that bad,
that relationships have turned into one big coping contest
that we're trying to endure like Chinese water torture.
See, sweetie, that's why I only date married men.
'Cause I know they're unavailable,
and there's a limit to the torture.
Oh, that is so wrong on so many levels,
I don't even know what to say.
Wait, you went out with sal. He was never married.
Uh, yeah, I know that now, but I didn't know that then.
The man used to wear a wedding ring.
He later told me that he wore it to attract women.
Why, did it? Well, hell, it attracted me.
Oh, my god, Katherine. Why?
Because, Deb, I figure if a man is married,
there's gotta be something good about him.
I mean, at least he can commit.
But then you make him cheat.
The commitment goes out the window.
But by that time, I'm over him.
Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you here?
No. It's not about the sex, sweetie.
It never is. Anybody can have sex.
It's about the walk up the stairs.
Okay.
Is it me, or is everybody else on this planet
just absolutely crazy?
Oh, no, we're all definitely crazy.
It's just the ones who think that they're not
that you have to worry about.
What do I know? I don't know anything.
This is bad. This is bad.
This is really, really, really bad.
Relax, tom. Relax?
There are girls in my apartment, hot girls, drinking.
When Sara gets here, she's gonna think I'm being totally blasé.
No, she's not. Yes, she is.
She's not gonna think you're blasé.
The girls here could work out to your advantage.
How? Chicks see you with other chicks...
It seems to make 'em want you more.
I'm not out with these chicks. She doesn't know that.
You really think I want her to think that?
Sal, I'd be done for sure. You're broken up.
Do whatever you want.
It's been an hour. So? So? So?
You're either broken up or not, no gray area.
People get fucked up in the in-between stage.
You're not together, but not supposed to fuck anyone else.
Yeah, the one who fools around first is the bad guy.
"I can't believe you're with someone else.
It's only been two weeks."
Whoever doesn't move on
always feels like they got hit by a truck.
Yeah, but I don't wanna move on.
You may not want to feel like you got hit by a truck.
I already do feel like I got hit.
You may wanna have another drink.
Whoo, let me have one of those, too.
Scotch, rocks. Hello. I'm Katherine.
Hi. Ken. Uh, of course you know sal. And this is tom.
When's she getting here?
Great, everybody knows. Any second.
Really? Do you want us to go?
No, no, no. I'm still trying to think out my strategy.
You ever think about using us? See?
Maybe. Well, feel free, honey.
Women always want what they can't have.
Believe me, if she walks up in here
thinking she has the upper hand and instead finds you with us
looking like a pimp, oh, she might just decide to stay.
You think so? Honey, I know so.
Ambivalence is a powerful aphrodisiac.
I see someone who's actually hot.
Let's get extroverted. Unless you're sal...
In which case, you come off looking like a fool.
Ah, yes, sal the fool.
But I do understand he has ways of making up for it.
I wouldn't know about that. Don't play coy with me.
I know you were practically engaged.
I wouldn't say all that.
Yes, but you did meet uncle Miltie.
Can I take the fifth? Please, I've been trying
to crack this bottle open for years.
Ah! Oh, my god, don't move, those shoes are incredible.
Don't you love them? More than life itself.
What I'd give to be a size 5. Charles David?
Prada. Oh, my god, they're adorable.
Do they do custom orders? Oh, my god, are you kidding?
They're my design. I work for the manufacturer.
Oh, my god, are you serious? Like, totally.
Oh, my god. Because I'm getting married in June.
I would love if those exquisite works of art
could be part of my ensemble.
Are you serious? My god, like, totally.
Oh, my god, I'm so flattered. I'll totally make it happen.
Tell me everything. Is he just to die for?
Oh, honey, to die for this man is easy.
It's living for him that's hard. Oh, my god.
You can't pull the 11th-man theory on Debbie,
she's a friend of mine.
You can't fuck your friends, who can you fuck? How you doing?
Hi, I'm George. Hi, George. I'm Amy.
Hey, what do you got there? I think it's an etch a sketch.
I love how tom always leaves it out to see what people do.
So you did know what it was when you asked me?
Yeah, but, you know... then why did you say,
"oh, hey, what do you got there?"
Like you didn't know what it was?
No, no, no, no, I... I didn't say,
"hey, uh, what do you got there?"
Like, "I don't know what that is."
I said, "hey, what do you got there?"
"Hey, what do you got there?"
Like, "I know what that is",
but for some reason, I still want you to tell me."
What is that, like some sort of game for you or something?
Okay, I have no idea what to say right now.
You don't need to say anything, silly. I'm kidding. Sit.
Wow. Okay. I'm making a picture.
Wow, look, you did a whole thing.
It's two people holding hands. Holding hands. Of course.
Yeah. I thought it was the symbol for united way.
It stands for unity. Unity?
And friendship. Friendship?
Do you know how to make origami?
Random segues aside, no, I... sadly, I don't.
But if you give me paper and a pen,
I can show you something slightly origami-esque.
God, are you serious? My god. Totally.
Excuse me, are you sal?
Depends. You a bill collector? No.
Were you once a man? No.
You over 18? Oh, yeah.
Then, yeah, I'm sal.
How you doing? You know tom? Yes, tom, sorry,
it's taking us longer to get out than I thought.
I'm gonna gather the girls. We're gonna go.
No, no, don't go. Right, tom?
I-I think I just heard George break out his ouija board.
I can't do this. I'm gonna go see if she's here.
Don't. She's not here.
If she was, then she'd be here, right?
No, not if she's trying to find parking. Tom...
I'm gonna go outside and check. Don't go.
Wow, he's got it bad. No shit.
I hope I never get that way. Me neither.
What'd you say your name was? Rachel.
That's right, Rachel. You're Kat's friend, huh?
Mm-hm. Apparently, so are you. A long time ago.
Hope she didn't have too many bad things to say about me.
Actually, no, only thing I remember her saying
is that you didn't feel well the night you went out.
Really? Said you were a little hoarse.
Really? Yes, he's on his way over.
Oh, my god, what's his name? Kwame Damfu.
But I like to call him chocolate thunder.
Oh, my god, is he black? Girlfriend, is he ever.
He's, like, from the islands, so he smells like the ocean.
If you put your ear to his chest, you can hear the waves.
Do your parents know?
They wouldn't know a bowling ball
if it hit 'em in the head.
The world can keep their opinions to themselves.
But what about the sex? You gotta talk about the sex.
How else will you learn? Learn?
You are talking to a man
who could suck a baby through a bench.
But do you think I got that way on my own?
Oh, my god, I can't even believe I'm hearing this.
Will you teach me? For Prada shoes? Anything.
Anything? Yeah.
Any one thing about yourself you could change.
Five. One, two, three, four, five.
I think I would like to change the way I look at the world.
Green. Really? How so? G-r-e-e-n.
I think that I'd like to look at the world
as though every single person on earth
was totally and completely enlightened except me.
You don't say. That way,
I'd always learn something new from everyone I meet.
Oh. Interesting. Blue.
There's no blue. Red.
R-e-d. Basically, no experience would ever be lost.
No matter how much adversity you're faced with,
you'd always continue to grow.
Pick an environmental organization. Greenpeace.
Good. Just look under the, uh, flap for Greenpeace.
Oh, my god. What do you think that means?
What do you do with your hands? Just twist it on the stroke?
Or do you just go handsfree? Oh, my god.
I am so glad you asked me that question.
Whoever's down there for you couldn't possibly know
what you need them to know. Yeah, yeah.
It's the same with us. I know men who make women stop.
"It's not a fucking artichoke." Are you kidding?
Oh, no, girlfriend, I so am not. Do you think that's me?
I thought I was so good. Oh, honey, every woman does.
It takes a man to know a man.
Frankly, I am like the Shaolin fucking master.
My god. Are you serious? Totally.
What do I do? Well, first you gotta love it.
If you don't, you shouldn't be there.
You have to get in there and just kinda "yeeow!"
I cannot tell you what a positive attitude
will do for a blowjob.
Got it. Next, you gotta take it all.
All? You want perfection, don't you?
But what if he's like Shaq? I mean, I'm a small girl.
Then, honey, you have to learn to unhinge
like a fucking python.
You will never be the queen
until you learn to swallow the king.
Oh, my god. You gotta work that taint.
Use a lot of saliva, absolutely no teeth. Yeah.
Last but certainly not least, the quintessential move.
The keys to the kingdom. Yes? Yes?
The way to fucking bang cock in Bangkok is...
yeah? ...You gotta lick that ass.
And don't even be shy about it, sweetheart.
You gotta get all up in there. What?
Ask any man who's had it done well, and they will tell you,
"it ain't truly a blowjob until you've tapped that ass."
- Oh, my god! - I cringe to think
what else she had to say.
She didn't say much. Compared to what?
Girls like to talk. You know this.
I guess that rules out you and me, then.
Why? Don't you girls have a code?
I've been with Katherine, a friend of yours, so...
If I met a girl who'd been with a friend,
she'd be off-limits till the end of time.
Don't you girls have that same rule?
Some do, but women are much more competitive,
so once word gets out on a man with potential,
women have been known to do some pretty outlandish shit.
Really? Mm-hm.
Nothing so overt as the 11th-man theory.
But women have to make everything seem
like the man's idea.
You know about the 11th man? Doesn't everybody?
George told you, didn't he? Yep, at the bar.
Bastard. You see, women are more subtle.
They circle. Like sharks.
Exactly. They get a man in their sights
and put themselves in close physical proximity to him
so he's forced to make a move,
thus making him think that he is the aggressor.
You go through all that just to get a guy to talk to you?
You have no idea what we go through.
You guys are like the fucking godfather or something.
Hm-hm. If you're so smart and you know so much,
what am I supposed to do now?
Now you're supposed to ask me to go outside with you
to help you bring that thing in from the car,
and somehow, we never seem to make it back.
Really? Really.
Remind me never to piss you off. Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll make sure you get all the right instructions.
What instructions? You take, uh, two parts h, one part o.
Then pour 'em both down the drain.
You never water down a 40-year-old scotch.
I'm glad to see tom has you around to stay on these things.
I'm trying to get as numb as possible
before tom's girl gets here.
Believe me, this is gonna hurt me almost as bad him.
You really think she's that over him?
Women don't make a move unless they're ready.
They could be with a guy and spend the last six months
trying to get over the guy
so when they're ready to move on, they move on.
Guys are totally different.
When they break up, they do it fast,
but they could spend years trying to get over the girl,
'cause usually, they don't think it through.
So I take it you don't have any huge love problems
walking through that door.
No problems for me. I'm married.
So that's why you're out at 3:00 in the morning
drinking with the boys.
Uh, no, I'm not exactly out drinking. I live upstairs.
Uh-huh. What, your wife doesn't drink?
No, I don't sleep. I'm an architect.
I do most of my drawing at night,
and, uh, when my wife nods off,
I sometimes come down here to procrastinate.
Okay, so are you gonna stick with that one,
or do you want some time to come up with something else?
Man, I ain't got time to think of nothing else.
But she's not here now. But she's gonna be.
The anticipation is giving me a panic attack.
Can you please just calm down? Just relax and breathe.
Uh, yeah, right. Ugh. Breathe, breathe.
People say "breathe" when you can't breathe.
But if you could, you'd be breathing. It makes no sense.
A lot of things don't make sense, like waiting outside
for a woman who doesn't appreciate you
and has no idea who you are.
What are you talking about? How long have you been together?
What, like three years? Yeah.
Did you ever once think about cheating? No.
Ever lie to her? Ever hit her? No. No.
Treat her badly? Tsk, no.
Tell her she was beautiful? Every day.
Remember her birthday? 'Course.
You bought her flowers? All the time.
Even for no apparent reason at all? Yeah.
Then that is exactly what I'm talking about.
You are a good man. You are a decent human being.
If she doesn't know what kind of man you are after three years,
then I am sorry, she doesn't deserve to be with you.
So now you're out here, freaking out for no good reason.
No, Deb. I think there's a pretty good reason.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Booyah.
I was gonna ask Sara to marry me tonight.
What?
I went to the bar to knock back
a couple of shots of that liquid courage
just so I can come home and have the nerve to ask her.
Never got the chance.
And she still doesn't know? No.
But wait a sec. No, no, no.
What about this party and all of these people in there?
Sal invited you guys, didn't he? I mean, I didn't.
I only invited him, Ken and George.
I thought it would be cool if they were here when I asked her.
Surprise 'em all, you know, it being Valentine's day.
You're telling me that sal all those guys don't know?
No. I think it's actually ironic
that all Sara ever talked about was us getting married,
and now when I'm finally ready to do it, she's gone.
Do you think maybe she got sick of waiting?
I don't know.
You have to tell her. You know that, tom.
I mean, I know it's gonna seem like really bad timing
and everything, but I mean,
you know you have to tell her.
It's not too late.
I don't know, Deb.
I mean, it just doesn't seem right.
A girl not wanting to be with you
because you don't ask her to marry you
within the time frame she feels is appropriate?
What about love?
Doesn't that have anything to do with it? Tom...
I always wanted to marry Sara, Deb. Always.
I just wanted it to be my idea, you know,
and not feel like I'm being pressured into
doing something I was gonna do in the first place.
If-if two people really love each other,
that's what should matter.
And all this necessity to get married and stuff
is just insecurity.
I hate to break it to you, tom, but women need security.
Everybody does, Deb. Don't they?
What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say anything. I just know men, that's all.
You do? Especially the married kind.
And I know that if you're off
sneaking out of the house at 3:00 in the morning
while your wife's still in bed sleeping,
well, then you're not just down here drinking, baby.
You're down here looking for something.
And what do you suppose that is?
Probably yesterday. Yesterday?
Mm-hmm.
You can't just go out and win the Kentucky derby every year.
Eventually they gotta put you out to stud.
But I bet you used to be the man back in the day...
Didn't you? Okay. Hold on...
W-what's all this "yesterday" and "used to be" business?
Oh, now, sugar, don't go getting any more gray hairs over it.
It happens to every man,
and I can tell by looking at you,
I bet right before you hung it up,
you left a trail behind you, didn't you?
Probably had their panties all wet,
lungs breathing hard, "ooh, baby...
"Can I come by your house and pick up that thing
I accidentally left over your house on purpose?"
But then I bet you got real bored with all that
and thought you'd settle with a woman who'd settle you down,
but what you didn't realize is that sort of shit
got to happen from the inside.
Ain't no woman on earth that can do that for you.
But now you're married,
with that wolf running around in your head,
screaming, "oh, I got to get out and run."
And so that's why, on restless nights like this,
when you can't sleep, you still feel the need
to come here and rub up against it.
You know why, Kenny?
'Cause deep down inside, you are still the man.
Thank you.
Good night. I'll be right there.
Excuse me, tom, I'll say good night.
Whoa. Where you going?
I'm gonna show Rachel that thing in my car.
What thing? You know, that thing in my car.
No, sal, I don't know. What thing?
That thing, the thing, the thing in my car,
the can't-get-lost system.
Oh, the can't-get-lost system.
Can't-get-lost-system. Hmm.
Also known as the northstar system.
Oh, the northstar system. Northstar.
Man, I thought you were gonna stay and help me out.
You know I'm not good with the boy-girl thing.
Anything I say is just gonna make it worse.
I don't think that's necessarily true.
Well, tom, I'm dealing with a force greater than my own.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go show Rachel
the northstar system in my car.
Good night, tom.
I never thought I'd say this,
but I think sal may have met his match.
Believe me, you don't even know the half of it.
Hey, hey! What do you think you're doing?
What? I'm about to open the door,
what does it look like I'm doing?
With me, you don't touch a door, you understand?
Not that you can't, 'cause of course I know you can.
It would just be my honor if you let me do that for you.
Are you gonna walk on the outside of the sidewalk, too?
Yeah, behind you up the stairs, in front when you go down.
Really? I know my Emily post.
Huh, I'm impressed.
No need, really, it's what every man
should know and no man really does.
Will you let me pick up the check now and then?
You can pretend to reach just so I can say,
"baby, don't be ridiculous."
As I recall, Katherine did say you were a gentleman.
Oh, I can be gentle sometimes...
Till it's time to be not so gentle.
- Oof. - Excuse me.
I'm looking for 3356 commonwealth.
Do you know where I might find this?
It's right there. I just came out.
Thank you. Wait.
Do you by chance know my friend Wayne Krenser,
for whom I am looking?
I am Kwame Damfu.
Yeah, I know your friend. He's a friend of mine, too.
I'm sal.
Ah, sal. I'm so very blessed to meet you.
Wayne has told me so many wonderful things about you.
That's 'cause he's a good person.
You should remember that. Oh, I will always.
That's good.
'Cause I'd hate to have to remind you,
you understand?
Yes. I understand.
That's good, because right now he may be your boy,
but he's always been my boy.
Nice to meet you, Kwame.
Have a good night.
Say I'm wrong.
Say I'm wrong and I will finish my drink,
gather up my girls and I will leave, but if I'm right,
oh, baby, if I'm right, then do yourself a favor, Kenny.
Cut yourself a break. Live a little.
Come with me now because life is too short
and you only live once,
but if you live it right,
once can be enough.
You really think so? Oh, yes.
And you honestly mean that?
Yes.
Then you know what? What, Kenny?
That is the most cheesiest-ass bullshit
I have ever heard in my entire life.
Ha-ha. What?
But I bet the speech probably works
on a lot of married men, doesn't it?
Backed-up fools who are tired of fucking their wives
and hate their marriage and so when they hear you
repeat that weak-ass shit, they can't wait to go run off
and get freaky with you, playing "glory days"
on the radio, thinking they still got it, right?
I-I don't think you... no, no,
I-I know, you don't think.
And, sweetie, you probably should
because I know you're out there
fucking breaking a lot of people's hearts
and hurting a lot of people that you don't even realize.
And that ain't fucking cool.
So now go gather up your girls and go,
and the next time, try being original
and having respect for people's relationships
'cause nowadays, not a lot of people do.
Kenneth Albert Anderson!
Why are you down here drinking at 3:00 in the goddamn morning?
Kenny, your wife's here. Thank you, tom.
Sorry-ass motherfucker.
I mean, are you kidding me with this? Again?
Come on, girls, let's go. Oh, don't leave without me!
Where's everybody go...? Oh!
If I come here looking for you one more time...
if you make me get out of bed and come looking for you
one more time, just one more time...
oh, yeah, what are you gonna do?
Then you'd better have one of these for me.
Vodka gimlet? Yes, it is.
Kwame! Wayne!
Oh, my god, I'm so glad you're here!
You see what I did, that irate-wife thing?
Very convincing.
Let me introduce you to my friends.
Oh, my god, tom. Tom. Sara's outside.
On second thought, maybe not.
Come on, Kwame, let's evaporate.
What's she doing? Looking for parking!
Shit, she can't find parking!
Ooh, good, Sara's coming out?
George! George! Yeah, but we're leaving.
Yes, can't you see? You have a green complexion.
Are you flushed? Seeing spots?
No, but if we go upstairs, will you take my temperature?
George! She can't find parking!
Be strong, Tommy!
And remember, you have to tell her!
Please tell me you're gonna tell her, okay?
Tell her, don't forget!
Um, would you maybe wanna go out with me sometime
and get an ice-cream cone or something?
An ice-cream cone? Yeah,
or the observatory or color me mine.
Course I would, George.
I think that would be fun. Wow, great.
George, the booze. The booze, George!
She'll think I'm celebrating! Yeah, I got it.
Need help? No, I got it.
I put my number under yellow in the thing,
so if you want to call me,
or if late at night there's ever a scary noise
and you don't have anyone to call, then you can call me.
Thanks, George. Yeah.
George! Come on, man! I better get going.
Yeah, okay, well, goodbye.
Bye. Bye.
Oh, shit.
And thanks for having us, tom. Oh.
I really had a good time.
No problem, Amy. No problem, thanks for coming.
You figured out what you're gonna do yet?
Hm. Wanna know the truth?
Not a clue.
Then I think that you should probably close this door...
No... And not really open it
until you've thought of what you'll say.
You don't understand. She's outside right now,
she's trying to find parking
and she's gonna come in here and...
how about "I love you"? Excuse me?
What about telling her you love her, tom?
Well, that's great and everything.
It is, Amy, it is, but, uh,
you know, it's... it's not that simple.
I mean... I mean,
it isn't like we haven't said that
a million times before, you know?
I just, uh, I...
I just don't think that means anything to anybody right now.
What are you talking about? I mean, it's true, isn't it?
Either people say it too much,
or they don't really mean it.
I mean, it's just words to me now.
Well, maybe that's because you don't really know
what those words mean yourself.
Oh, yeah.
Do you know what love really is, tom?
Love is a one-way street
going from you out.
And you give it because it makes you feel good.
'Cause when you give it, it makes you strong.
And that crazy, vulnerable, out-of-control,
scary feeling,
the feeling that most people think is love?
It's not really love at all.
It's just the need to be loved.
And believe me, it's a very different thing.
Real love isn't, "I love you," hoping the other person's
gonna say, "I love you, too."
It's just, "I love you."
It's like giving someone a gift at Christmas
and if you get anything back, that's a bonus, that's extra.
But you shouldn't need to receive it
'cause the true strength is in the giving of it.
But then again, that's just what I think.
But what do I know? Heh. I don't know anything.
Hi.
Looks like you had a few people over tonight.
Yeah, well, it's Valentine's day, remember?
You know, as hard as I tried, I couldn't figure out a way
to get those two bags into my car.
You want a drink or something?
Look, okay, Sara, look,
look at me for a second, all right? For a second.
I know you got a lot on your mind.
I know you got a lot of things to figure out.
And, uh, heh,
up until very recently, I thought...
I thought I needed you here with me in my life
for me to feel the way I feel about you.
But just all of a sudden, I just...
I suddenly realize I don't.
I mean, I-i want us to be together and everything.
But I just realized I don't need you here with me
in order for me to love you
'cause I'm always gonna love you.
And if you were to leave and go to China for six months,
I'm still gonna love you.
And if you gain 50 pounds, I'm still gonna love you.
And you know what?
After this moment, if I never see you again,
I'm still gonna love you.
And if you don't feel that way about me,
I know it's gotta be tough on you 'cause...
It's... it's been hell on me as it is,
and I know you're the greatest thing that ever was.
And I'm just lucky to have spent
the last three years of my life with you.
But I do love you, tom.
I know.
Maybe I should stay and we can talk.
No, no, no, I think you should go.
I think you should go and figure out
whatever it is you got to figure out.
And if you want to come back, come back. Heh.
And if you don't, that's cool, too.
But whatever happens, you gotta know
that you're the love of my life,
and I'm just lucky to have known you.
Good night, Sara.
Hey, tom.
Kitchen's clean.
Good. Snap on the stereo.
We're gonna make two more dirty glasses.
What exactly is the story with that guy?
Hmm.
Strange you should ask. Hmm?
He's got a cock the size of Florida.
That's what I hear. But his tongue.
What does he do with his tongue?
I hear he can part his hair with his tongue.
Really? Must be the yoga.
Ah.
Downward-facing doggy style.
Yeah. He told me he could lick his asshole.
He did.
He did, I swear to god.
Cut.
Didn't you say that earlier?
I had... hey, I had no part in the whole...
you spend so much of your time going to places you never go,
trying not to run into people you do know,
it's just... it's not practical.
Besides...
Rockets to the moon. This chocolate looks good.
Cut.
We're ready to rock. Let's do it.
Everybody ready?
You're goddamn right. Let's roll.
And... Action.
Come on!
Because...
You only live once...
And, you know, life is...
So short.
And if you do it right and you live it right,
once...
Can be enough.
Wow.
What?
I didn't expect that the scene was gonna go that way.
Can be enough.
You can't lean in that close to give me a...
why?! You told me to! Because...
no, but not that close.
Okay!
Because then I'm pulling away.
I-I gotta lean into you.
You said get up in your face.
I'm... you know. All right, let's do it.
To the best ensemble in a bathroom.
The best potty performance you'll ever see.
Oh, please.
Are you getting this over there?
Yeah, don't worry. Fuck!
All right, listen up, people.
I have one thing to say about this last take.
I loved it, but I'll never use it.
Oh, my god, Sal's gay. Hey! Hey! God!
See what happens when you try to be nice?
Pervert grabs your ass, friends think you're a fag.
So much for fucking Karma.
You got to get down there and just kind of argh!
Kind of argh! Kind of argh!
Gotta get in there and just waa!
I cannot tell you the positive a...
I cannot tell you what a positive a...
I mean, really, you gotta get in there and...
"Waa!" "Waa!"
Kind of "whaaa!"
Just kind of "yeow!"
I cannot tell you what a positive attitude
will do for a blowjob.
Got it. Got to be able to take it all.
Take it all? Want perfection, don't you?
What if he's like Shaq? I mean, I'm a small girl.
You have to learn to unhinge.
Unhinge-unhinge like a fucking python,
because you'll never be queen
unless you learn to swallow the king!
Goddamn it, you have got to learn to unhinge
like a motherfucking python.
You will never be the queen
unless you learn to swallow the king!
You've got to unhinge like a fucking python!
Let me tell you something.
You have got to learn to unhinge like a fucking py...
well... well, then, honey,
you have got to unhinge like a fucking python
because you will never be the queen
unless you learn to swallow the king!
Oh, my god!
Becky, look at his butt!
It is so big!
You're bullshit! You know what? That's bullshit.
This is a little bullshit.
Ha-ha. Okay, good.
They're the ones who created the Frankensteins they abhor.
Frankenstein was a whore? Leave my wife out of this.
Imagine that conversation?
"Mr. Johnson, we have some bad news and some good news.
"The bad news is, we've found some growth
"in the cerebral cortex of your brain.
"The good news is, uh-h-h-h,
you can start sucking dick immediately!"
Fantastic! I love that take, but I'll never use it.
All right, sal.
Yeah, me too. I used to love it. Tom always... sorry.
Tape this shit up!
Oh, my god. What do you think that means?
Well...
When I see dogs having sex, I think it means...
good. One last time just on that first part.
No, no, I don't think so.
If the world could keep their opinions...
To themselves.
If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit.
Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married.
Whatever!
If that's what being married's about,
you can keep that shit.
Ain't no way this motherfucker's
- ever getting married. - Whatever.
If that's what being married's about, you can keep that shit.
Ain't no way this motherfucker's ever getting married, you heard?
Heh, okay. Okay, good.
We got all that? It's all covered? Cut it.